Pulse
by dsaANON
Summary: That gentle voice that softly coos in your ear - telling you: everthing is alright; everything is okay... Telling you to let go.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Fair warning this entire fic is going to be relatively short. Read this with the knowledge that it will not be an extensive multi-chapter fic

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**Be Still My Heart**

'Be still my heart. Soon, it will all be okay.'

_Fear engulfed your gaze – those forest green gems that I had come to love were blurred with horror and panic._

_You gasped my name as you struggled – clawing and fighting to no avail._

'Be still my heart – there is no need to fear.'

_My breath choked in my throat as tears streamed down my face – unrestrained grief, despair and anguish settled in my chest._

_I looked down upon you – unable to stop; unable to move; unable to relieve you of this pain._

'Be still my heart – let us end this struggle.'

_I watched as the light in your eyes dimmed. My tears that fell - trickled down your cheek. Your hands and nails that desperately clawed and pried at mine lost all life and soon collapsed to your side._

_I released my hold upon your once pristine neck – to reveal the bruised skin I had caused. I stared at my accursed hands – my hateful and detestable hands that can never be washed clean from the bloods it's been stained with – less now than ever._

'Why? Why have I done this?'

The distant roar of the wave crashing against the cliffs below was a soothing hum to my turbulent heart.

I looked at my hands again in disgust.

'How could I have done such a thing? How could I have done that to you?'

Tears flowed from my eyes once again and my heart torn open from those images I recalled.

The feeling of nausea jumped in my throat but I fought it back – I looked out and far into the horizon – the pinkish purple glow reflected in both the sky and the ocean and I hardened my resolve.

'_Be still my heart. Everything will be okay._'

It was time I stopped these atrocious limbs of mine – stop them from hurting; stop them from killing ever again.

I grasped the road barrier as I looked down the long fall into jagged rock – where unforgiving waves slammed themselves against.

'_Be still my heart – don't be afraid._'

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I prepared to climb over my obstacle.

It was the only way to stop these murderous hands of mine from doing the one thing I cannot forgive myself for; the one thing I'd rather die than watch myself do - again and again.

'_Be still my heart – let us put an end to this._'

I took my final breath – breathing in deeply, closing my eyes and opening them again to look into the vibrant skies above.

The images of you appear before me again – the horror; the pain; the struggle – I can no longer tell between what is real and what is not.

"Shizuru! Stop!" I hear your voice scream once more.

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**A/N:** Yes there are more chapters to come, and don't worry - as always - there will be a happy ending... maybe... Muahahaha!


	2. Chapter 2

**Rest Easy, My Love**

"Shizuru! Stop!" I screamed to her.

But she didn't turn to look at me; she didn't respond – her only reaction was to take her hands off from the rails to cover her ears in distress.

She shook and grasped at her hair - hunched over - she shrunk into herself like a scared child.

I threw my bike aside – wasting no time to stand it with care as I ran to her.

My gaze never strayed from her turned back as I ran with desperation to reach her. I watched as she slowly released her head and stand tall again as though she had shed away the demons that hunted her.

She leant forward with grace – as though her actions meant nothing like the horror I deemed it to be.

Not once did she look back to me; not once did she look back at the loved ones that she was about to leave.

"No!" I screamed with utter terror.

My hands had just barely reached her before she took that final step – with adrenaline pumping through my veins I took hold of the fabric of her clothes and dragged her closer to the rails. I wrapped my arms around her body as she fumbled back – securing a footing on the barrier I hauled her over and back to the safe side of the barrier.

Falling and tumbling to the ground with a thud my heart pounded in my chest at the tragedy we had narrowly escaped at this god forsaken cliff.

I did not have time for even a moment's reprieve when she begun to struggle against me.

"No! No! No! Natsuki! Get away! Get away Natsuki! I don't! I don't want to do it again!" She cried in hysteria – frantically fighting and flailing against me.

"Shizuru! Stop! Calm down! Stop!" I ordered as I saddled her hips to keep her from escaping.

I pushed her down against the ground and attempted to restrain her hand that tried to shove me away.

"No! Please!" She pleaded with streams of tears falling down her cheeks that gathered dust and gravel in which we struggled upon.

My heart clenched at the panic she was in – the strong independent woman I have always known and cared for was reduced to a mess. Even during the carnival I had never seen her in such a state – I know Shizuru and I know even if sadness and grief has overwhelmed her to such a point – she would still not act in such a way.

This wasn't her. She would have never-. Something- something was very wrong.

"Shizuru stop. Stop. _Please_." I begged – my gentle voice and the slight hitch in tone surprised even me.

Before I knew it, my vision began to blur – tear ran down my face as my adrenaline subsided and her attempt to take her own life hit me.

I abandoned the task of taking hold and taming her wild hands. Instead I wrapped my arms around her waist – slipping my limbs between her and the rocky tarmac beneath.

I held her close but she was not still – she continued to twist and turn below me; her hands went to push against my shoulders in hopes of prying me from her form.

I tightened my hold and protested:

"Stop it Shizuru. You're hurting me."

My complaint was more due to the tarmac scrapping against my leather-clad arms as she flopped around but also from the ache I felt in my chest.

From my words – Shizuru froze – terrified.

I loosen my grip to pull back and look upon her features and her eyes were wide in fear. She stared at me as though both seeing and not seeing me.

Her lips trembled:

"I'm- I'm so sorry, Natsuki. I'm so sorry."

Like a small child she cried and I could do nothing but hold and stroke her quivering head in my arms upon this gritty, accursed road.

"Shhh. It's okay, Shizuru. It's okay."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Wow! This is LOOOONG overdue - its been like a year since the last chapter!

Now... I'm going to be honest - at this point, I'm just going to power through this and bring this story to some sort of conclusion because I hate leaving things unfinished.

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**Flat Line**

It was not until Shizuru was in a state of mewing and crying softly in my arms that I felt it safe to pull the both of us up from the ground.

In a sitting position, I cradled her against me and she clung to me – clung to me like a scared child to its mother – afraid to let go – or simply just afraid.

I reached into my pocket and dialled a familiar number:

"Yamada, I need your help… Send a car to pick me up by the cliff… You know which cliff… And, look…" I lowered my voice to a mere whisper and turned away from the brunette in my arms. "Bring a sedative with you… Yeah. Nothing too strong."

With a quiet beep I hanged up my phone – as always it was a relief that Yamada never questioned my requests – he simply understood and delivered.

I peered down at the woman I held and who had taken to burying her features into my chest – to shield herself from the world.

As a gentle breeze picked up the strands of my dark tresses – marring my sight – I followed its movement to look at the road before me.

This sea side road had become practically abandoned since they made the tunnel – cutting the travel time by more than a half – now only locals traverse this way to admire the view, less now given the time of the year.

Our shadows stretched across the pavement as the sun set behind us - far beyond the sea and into the horizon. Its orange glow made the world around us seem like a dyed canvas with blurred colours of grey and yellow mixed in.

My motorcycle laid on its side not far from us – had I've not exhausted my concerns and worries on the woman in my arms I would be coddling my prized possession and fighting back tears over it.

She flinched.

The gentle trembling in her body had never fully subsided since the moment I had dragged her back from the rails or when she finally relented in her struggles to escape from me but her sudden cringe called my attention.

Her body had started to tense and I felt the growing pressure of her arms pushing me away again and her trembles turn to violent shivers.

I was quick in my movements – I gathered her closer in my arms – embracing her such that her chin rested upon my shoulder and her limbs strategically wrapped around me and no longer in the space between us.

I felt her short irregular and shallow breath graze my cheek as I pleaded in her ear:

"Shizuru, please. Please don't push me away. Please don't leave me."

Her hands gripped at the sides of my leather jacket. She choked back a sob as she tried her best to gather her strength and fight back her despair for me.

Her arms slowly snaked around my waist as she buried her face into my shoulder and her finger dug into me as she held on to me for dear life.

Each strangled sob that escaped her - once ever-confident - lips stung my heart.

She had given up – forfeited and surrender to whatever it was that plagued her and she had been only a step away from throwing in that figurative towel to life.

But she's fighting now – despite the tight vice-like grip her cries had to my chest – they also showed that the formidable girl that had brought me out of my vengeance fuelled misery was facing her demons and not simply letting them win.

Unfortunately, it appears she was losing.

"Shizuru?" I whispered in worry.

Her arms that had found its way around my upper body lost their strength. The pressure from her fingers that dug into my sides and shoulder blade lifted and she let her arms fall to our sides once more.

"Shizuru. Shizuru. Shizuru." I chanted whilst I shifted my hold – I moved one of hands to stroke and hold her head against me.

I kept calling her name in hope of rousing for back up to fight against this accursed anguish that haunted her.

"Shizuru? What happened? What's going on? Talk to me Shizuru. Why… Why did you want me away from you?" I paused to gauge if she was going to give me an answer – when I realised she wasn't I continued to push. "What did you mean when you said you 'don't want to do it again'? What did you do?"

My last question seemed to have awaken her but not in the way that I had hoped.

Her body made a small jump and before I could react she had already push me away from her – the expression I found on her feature was one of mortified shame.

She scrambled to her feet – as did I – she tried to make her way to the cliff again but I wasn't about to let her.

Not even two steps into her escape I tackled her onto the ground again– no doubt I had caused her some grazes but they're wounds that are better than the alternative if I hadn't.

"Natuski, no! No, please! Please let me-"

"Don't! Don't you even dare ask me- ask me…" I started my warning.

I did not want to hear her pleas – to hear that she still wished to… to…

It was then that Yamada made his timely appearance.

Locked in our struggle I had not realised Yamada's arrival. I did not hear the sound of his car coming to a screeching halt when he found us. Nor did I notice his call to me as he raced to our side. All I saw was his hand as he pierced the skin of Shizuru's shoulder with the needle filled with sedative.

I watched as the fear and pain in those red eyes melt away into emptiness.

The strength in her arms show waned and I finally released my hold of her arms and wrist and noted the faint reddening bruises I had caused.

"Natsuki? Are you okay?" Yamada asked in concern.

"Yeah. We need to take her to your nearest medical facility." I started as I picked up the now limp brunette and made our car to Yamada's sedan. "I'm coming in your car, so have someone pick up my bike"

My trusty contact and supplier simply nodded affirmatively at my instructions.

By the time Yamada was back in the driver seat – Shizuru was laid out across the back seats and with her head resting upon my lap.

I was brushing her fair, brown locks from her tear stained face when Yamada finally asked:

"So… care to clue me in on what's going on?"

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**A/N:** Nope - not gonna XP Muahahaha

Anyway, thanks for reading - look forward to the next (final) chapter where you'll enjoy an unsatisfying, half-assed ending. Toodles!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **The ending is a bit rushed but I _need_ to end this – the fact that this story has been left unfinished for over a year is bugging me faaar too much.

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**Restart.**

_I'm sorry, Natsuki. I don't want to hurt you again._

The crumpled-up piece of paper with that sentence written on it sat in my leather jacket pocket and it felt like it was burning a hole to my skin.

I still recall the sequence of emotions that crossed my mind when I first read that note – how I went from curiosity to confusion, then to speculation and horror.

It had been a week since her sudden and erratic change in behavior that I decided to find her at her apartment.

I had let myself in with the spare key she had given to me long ago – my intentions were to ambush her as she had been dodging my calls, and avoiding me – even to go so far as to flee (in her own graceful way) on that very morning when I had caught her at school.

I even recall the moment's musing I had as I contemplated Shizuru's possible regret for giving me her spare keys for emergency – especially in light of how she had presented it in a teasing context at the time. It was then that I noticed the note on her kitchen benchtop.

I did not understand why there would be a note addressed to me when she had not known I was visiting.

"How did she know? What was she talking about?" These were the questions that floating in my head just as everything slowly pieced together.

I still do not know why I had thought to go to that damned cliff.

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"You know Fujino-san's past history… Maybe you should get her some help." Yamada suggested – pulling me away from my thoughts.

"Yes – she needs help." I hissed through grit teeth as my anger flared at his implication. "And I need you to get someone to do a full tox screen on her. Keep the scope wide – make sure to test any designer or black market drugs that can be doing this to her. Also, send someone to check everything in her apartment – the source may be coming from something in there."

"You… You suspect foul-play?" He asked cautiously – wary that I was not in the best of moods.

"She wouldn't be like this unless _something_ is causing it! God knows how many enemies we've made! I wouldn't put it past any of those damned First District goons that they wouldn't screw with her mind as some sort of sadistic revenge for all that's happened!" I snapped angrily at him.

He knew from my glare and tone of voice that I had no time for nonsense or debate – so he simply nodded his head in acceptance and made his way down the corridor.

When he finally disappeared around the corner I let out a deep sigh – I dreaded what was behind me.

There I stood in the corridor of a private medical facility – with my back to the windowed door in which a sedated Shizuru reside – and I could not bring myself to turn around.

_You know Fujino-san's past history… _I grimaced at the insinuation.

We had been fine. The past week had just been… abnormal. This was abnormal. This is abnormal.

Shizuru… Shizuru would not have done this. So why? The red star is gone… But even if Shizuru has lost her senses… she wouldn't – she just wouldn't… Not like that…

_I'm sorry, Natsuki. I don't want to hurt you again. _

I exhaled a shaky breath as once again I recalled that note. What did she mean by 'again'?

Obviously something had been plaguing her but what could've set her off?

_No! Please! _Her voice sung from my memories – her pitiful and begging plea for me to let her go.

I ran my hands through my hair – swallowing uncomfortably in an attempt to settle the lump in my throat.

I won't. I won't believe it.

_Stop it Shizuru. You're hurting me._ I remembered my own voice that had cracked in pained anguish.

Finally I wiped the tears that had begun to form in my eyes and turned to enter her room.

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The door to the hospital room clicked quietly as it was unlocked – bringing rise to the quiet and demure brunette girl on the bed.

"Oh? You're awake?" My blue-haired visitor said with mild surprise. "That's good – are you feeling any better?"

She closed the door behind her with a soft click and walked over and carefully sat at the foot of the bed.

Shizuru became visibly shaken – she pulled her legs up instantly to herself – weary of her visitor's proximity.

Seeing her reaction troubled Natsuki greatly – she shuffled closer to the distressed girl and reached out a hand to caress her in comfort.

But Shizuru shrunk away – she turned her face to stay out of Natsuki's reach whilst her nails dug into her own arms that she had wrapped tightly around herself – afraid that her hands would lash out and harm the person before her.

"Shizuru, listen to me. I know you haven't been feeling well. I had Yamada check out your apartment and they found a drug." Natsuki's spoke gently as she attempted to soothe the older girl. "A drug in your tea of all places" She chuckled throatily – hoping to elicit a smile.

However, Natsuki's smile weakened when her gaze was not met and Shizuru continued to edge further away from her.

"Shizuru." Natsuki called as she lightly took Shizuru's shoulder to get her attention.

A slight flinch was felt but – finally – Red met Green.

Mixed emotions filled the blue-haired biker when she recognised the fear and pain in those red eyes but she also felt comfort that there were emotions in them at all – they were not void as they had once been in the their dark past.

She attempted another reassuring smile and continued:

"We couldn't really figure out what it is but they think it'll pass through your system in a few days' time. So, Shizuru, please - please stay strong for me, okay?"

Her beseeching green eyes stared into Shizuru's and implores the brunette to yield to her request.

Unable to hold the gaze for long Shizuru soon turned away from her beloved.

A pang of pain struck the biker heart at the supposed refusal but before she could plead her case once again Shizuru had submitted and nodded meekly.

Green eyes brighten and Natsuki gathered Shizuru tightly in her arms as the two both fought to keep their tears at bay.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki"

"It's okay. Shizuru. Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be right here beside you – no matter what."

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**A/N:** And that's the end. Thank you for reading and sorry for the delay.

Author's Useless Ramblings:  
In all honesty there was never really a plot for this fic. I just wanted to write chapter one –with Shizuru taking Natsuki's life despite the emotional turmoil it brought her. Then everything after that was to give context/plausible explanation to the situation. So lesson learnt – I shouldn't post anything unless I'm 100% invested from start to finish, otherwise, I end up with some half-ass chapters and year-long delays between chapters. I'm also a little torn with the last chapter because… well… I hate myself for writing it? I won't say why in case people haven't realized it… but why, brain? Why?! Haaaah… Anyway, I'll stop babbling now. Thanks again for reading! Toodles~


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